One last breath

I sit here trying to think of where to begin, of how to explain in a few simple words all that has happened in my life since we last spoke, and already I fail. I hope this letter finds you well and whole, and that you will forgive the tangents of my pen; this isn't easy for me. Even as I write, I can feel the simplest of concepts slipping away, lost to feelings of despair and confusion, but I have to tell you what is in my heart before I can rest. Be patient, and accept that what I tell you is the truth.

We have been apart for three years now and I still relive that night every once in a while. The blink of an eye was enough to ignite the inevitable. I had thought of several shallow excuses that could work. Even though you were not convinced you would relinquish. No counter-answer. I was taking what I considered to be the right decision. Had I known what would follow, I might have done things differently.

There was a solid reason, though. One I never wanted you to know however, it turns out I am weaker than I have thought. There is something waning my heart besides leaving you behind. I have tried to spare you from witnessing such misery. It is a well known fact that a decaying smile is a contagious disease. Having thought about it I have decided that I’d rather have your hatred than your suffering.

I have planned everything and everything had gone according to the plan. So why do I feel this constant sting punching my heart? I can see clearly now how my mishandling of the situation has doomed me. I just wish I was not alone...

In spite of the guilt that is burned into my very being, that will haunt my every breath, I might have tried to survive, if only to see you again. But my best efforts only delayed the inevitable. I am here and you are not, that’s all I can think of.

Nevertheless all this moaning is pointless. I have made a decision that I was sure, even in that time, would affect my whole life. And here I sit. Gazing at the moon. It has always reminded me of you for no specific reason. A light in the dark, maybe. I don’t know if any of these words make any sense to you...

All I knew was that with you I’d want someone to save me... Does it make any sense to you?

A few pictures, two tickets from a trip we took a while ago. A handful of memories, some still seem clear. You were the best thing I had ever given up... Has it made any sense yet?
I was always a word cherisher. Never came out of my mouth one I didn’t mean to say. I love you ‘til the end... I hope it makes sense...

Teus olhos

Não há nada no mundo como te olhar nos olhos.

Estes que me fascinam quando fitam,

Deleitam quando procuram

E morrem quando transbordam.

Ah! Teus olhos nos meus!

É como beber do céu de anil.

Faz definir amor em cor.

Quase verde, quase mel, quase meu.

Como é gostoso me perder

Ao mergulhar no teu olhar.

Inspiração de bem querer!

Expiração de apaixonar!

Quando me falam esses olhos, de fascínios fictícios,

Os decifro e os decoro, pois aprendi que eles sobram

Onde as palavras economizam...

Pois o coração guarda segredos para serem ditos em silêncio.

Gosto quando brilham ao olhar!

Como guardando a luz do luar

Por caminhada em noite fria,

Com a boca dizendo "adeus" e teu olhar dizendo "fica"...

E mesmo quando resisto,

Sou presa desse olhar

Que me guarda...alegra e fascina...

Que me decifra por inteiro.